he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
