sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
