I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize