I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
