Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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