I think I won the penis lottery.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
