There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
