I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
