My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
