so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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