Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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