Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
