I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
