the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
