She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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