Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
