Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
