So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
