the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
