The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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