Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
