That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
