I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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