I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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