i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize