Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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