Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Houston, we have a squirter
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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