Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
