So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
