God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
