Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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