I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We have so much sex to catch up on
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
