There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize