Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
