So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You are a booty call, not a friend.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
