I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
