What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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