Can i not drive my cunt home
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
