i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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