It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
