Michael Bay diarrhea
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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