If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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