clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
