made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
