If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
