I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
