So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
