Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
