It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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