he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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