So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
