Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
