Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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