Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
