Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
